What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 00:13
My family never makes their pension either.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And i lived it daily.
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I will be 64.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Comes on , in middle age.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I have no regrets .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Who then, do I blame.?
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So whats the point in blame.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was 9 years of age.
When did you realize that your childhood was not normal?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She married twice! .
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I don,t even have a pension.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Ive learnt so much.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
This is soul school!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
When she asked me how she looked .
I was scared of men, in general
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But ive been too sick for many years..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One cannot live in the past .
Put me off passion for life!!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Was to survive, this bastard.
I said to her
She found it foreign!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I never cut or harmed myself..
She wouldn,t have been !
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I write beautiful poetry .
I was seconnd youngest,
What did i know ?
She was in good health!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
So, i spoilt her more .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My life is so biszare .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But it wasn’t much.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Would this be the day?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He knew the spot.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was very sick at this time too.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We all went to grammer schools
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I waited trembling.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I could never make a relationship work though!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But, we were locked up after school.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im still living with it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Especially a lifetime of it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
All the time i was locked up.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
It was going to be , some day.
We were not on the streets..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She loved him until the end.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I think the readers, may guess!